Self-confidence, it can be a detriment or your greatest asset. How much confidence you have dictates much more than you realize. Your latest Instagram post, getting the raise you asked for at work, launching a new business, all of these and more are dependent on this particular quality. So what happens when you lack this self-confidence? Unfortunately, a lot. Opportunities close, relationships wither as feelings don’t get shared, and remain unresolved, and the worst part is the lack of drive to learn new skills. We are winners who don’t accept mediocrity, so today, we are going to learn to how build your self-confiedence and transform your lives.

Just be more confident! As if it were that easy. Self-confidence is not something you can turn on with a push of a button. We oversimplify it with commanding the attention of the room, or not doubting yourself, but what does it truly mean to be self-confident?

Would you believe me if I told you it’s not about either of these things? You see, self-confidence isn’t a quality exclusive to the extroverts of the world. What it really boils down to is far more simple, trust. Trusting yourself, your skillset, your intuition, and your strength.

True self-confidence is not an exhibition, or an excess of energy. It does not have to be. It is the calm feeling you experience when you understand no matter the outcome of any situation, you will overcome it.

Have you ever been nervous about a presentation? You remember how you get the sweats, your legs start trembling, and you start reciting your lines? Am I projecting again..? You start to experience anything that will deter you from your project, but eventually you finish your speech. It could have went great, or maybe there was a couple botches, and that’s okay!, but you worked up the courage to go out there and nothing stopped you. This is the true essence of self-confidence. Now that we understand let’s dive into the fundamentals that with transition us into our boss selves.

Someimes the easiest things to understand are the hardest to apply. Everyone knows the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries, however, many do not enforce them. Fear of rejection, or a loss of a friend/job, are common reasons as to why one might endure more than they’d like to. I want you to think about this, “do you think you can be confident if you are not comfortable?” I didn’t think so. 

Being comfortable is extremely important in developing self-confidence. Think of establishing and maintaining boundaries as laying the foundation for your confidence. So how can we practice enforcing our boundaries? Here are two key means of doing such.

My favorite Monopoly card is “Just Say No.” It stops your opponents from any transaction they try play against you, no if’s, and’s, or but’s. This no nonsense card is the same way you should treat your boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable, “no”, if you don’t want to do something, “no”, and so forth. By establishing your “no’s” you will gain more confidence with your speaking. Saying no, you will also understand more clearly who respects you and your feelings, making it easier to develop relationships of any kind.

I’m not proud to admit this, but once upon a time I was a serial yes-man. You see, I wanted to fit in and please everyone, but I made everyone else happy at the cost of disregarding myself. Often times I was left questioning what I actually liked, or if my personality was even mine. Not good right?

Even worse is when you take it too far and start engaging in activities that don’t reflect who you truly are. Standing by your values teaches you to be okay with your true self, becoming comfortable speaking on any matter, and trains you to not hesitate with your judgement. Now, I am the conversationalist in the room, and when I get the aux I play music that I enjoy! My 15 year old self would be proud!

You can do this, you are strong, handsome/beautiful, intelligent, and capable! These are positive affirmations, and your best friend when trying to develop your self-confidence. As you fall short of goals you would have liked to reach, or isolate yourself from family and friends, it is normal to unconsciously be building negative habits. These habits send messages to your brain to stress, over/under eat, cast doubt on your capabilities, and more. Thankfully the brain is a system and it can be reprogrammed.

By practicing self-affirmations, and other positive communications with yourself, you are actively altering the way your brain functions. The negative thoughts are replaced with postive ones resulting in a healthier self-image, change of mindset, and deeper appreciation for life. And they called me crazy for talking to myself, jokes on them. 

Understanding how healthy internal dialogue can help your self-confidence is only part of the puzzle. You may have spent entire years practicing the wrong habits, and you know what they say, “old habits die hard” To truly become of a master of your self-confidence it is ESSENTIAL that you practice regular, even daily, positive conversation with yourself. 

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. Wayne Gretzky was not just a legend on the ice, he was a great motivational speaker. I live by these words, and if you want to become self-confident so should you! Taking advantage of opportunities is what separates the good from the great. Imagine trying to shoot the game-winning free throw at an opposing arena, with resounding boos directed at you. That’s a lot of pressure for just anybody to go up execute. The more time you direct practicing at the free throw line however, and the more games you play, make the situation much more comfortable. You can trust in yourself because you made this shot a hundred times everyday.

Building self-confidence works just like this, it is about finding ways to position yourself to be more comfortable. For instance, when your professor asks a question, shoot your hand in the air, even if you do not know the answer for sure. When you are uncertain of a task at work, ask for clarity, regardless if other co-workers understand. The more opportunities you take to become comfortable in uncomfortable situations, the faster you will build self-confidence.

As you test the waters and become eager to try new things, keep track of your successes. The wins that you experience along the way are not only very well-deserved, they further encourage you to be more confident. Your capabilities become validated in the accomplishments that you worked so hard to achieve. Remember to speak kindly to yourself every day reminding yourself of how amazing you are. Be true to yourself, and what you stand for, maintaining the boundaries you create. You will embody self-confidence in no time.